


my body's made of crushed little stars

by vampyre00



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: A bit sad, Eating Disorder, F/F, mitski has me feeling emotions again, wenrene - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-27 03:56:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21112262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampyre00/pseuds/vampyre00
Summary: set during red flavor era.





	my body's made of crushed little stars

-

she noticed it first on a saturday. dance practice ended at 1.40, and the members were planning to go out for lunch to recharge after the vigorous morning of training. they were going to go to that little ramen bar seungwan liked, called something along the lines of 'get noodled' or something equally as goofy. but when joohyun's eyes darted around the room and realised seungwan had already left, concern rose in her chest and she left the other members to go, with the excuse that she wasn't up for going out.

joohyun paced the hallways of the almost empty building, wondering where seungwan had gone, and why on earth she would pass up a heartwarming bowl of her favourite egg and tofu noodles.  
as joohyun continued to search, she passed the girl's bathroom, and her attention was brought to the sound of a tap running. 

of course, seungwan probably just needed the bathroom after the long training session. after all, she hadn't taken a break once during the 6 long hours, always on her feet, staring at herself in the large dance mirror, judging her own every move and expression, always a calculating frown present on her pale face. joohyun had been staring then. She wanted to untangle the younger girl’s thoughts.

when joohyun pushed on the heavy wooden door of the bathroom, she was surprised to see the tap running by itself, as if someone had left it on and forgot about it. typical seungwan, clumsy.  
joohyun smiled to herself softly as she took a few steps and twisted the tap knob, cutting the water flow. now the bathroom was strangely silent, and joohyun noticed one cubicle had the door closed, and soft coughing sounds emitted from inside the small space. 

warning bells started to go off in joohyun's head. 

this was something all too familiar.

she remembered long highschool days made from school lunches and toilets filled with vomit, taps running by themselves and diet pills in almost every pocket.

joohyun had always been small, slight. so she never felt the need to follow in her classmate’s footsteps, but she had seen how her highschool best friend had collapsed one afternoon, heart barely beating and stomach and throat burning from the constant strain of eating, vomiting, eating, vomiting.  
she knew this wasn't good, and she didn't want anything like that to happen to seungwan, no matter how many pounds management told her to lose before their next comeback. seungwan's health is what mattered to her the most.

"wan? Is that you?" 

joohyun stepped closer to the stall, peeking to see seungwan's nike runners under the cubicle door, pain filling her heart when she thought about how seungwan felt she had to do this, even though she was beautiful no matter what, in joohyun's opinion.  
a short fit of coughing followed by a weak 'I'll be out in a second' confirmed joohyun's suspicions. she heard the pulling of toilet paper and a flush before the cubicle door opened, revealing a very pale and tired looking seungwan, messy bangs swept to one side and blonde hair tied in a loose bun, strands falling everywhere and framing her face perfectly. 'she's beautiful' joohyun thought immediately, but she was also pale and trembling, nose running as she brought a hand with a tissue up to wipe at her face. 

"are you okay?"

joohyun knew not to confront seungwan about it just yet. she knew from past experience that this would just lead to her building her walls even higher, suffocating guilt. she wanted to give seungwan time to open up to her.

" ah I'm fine, I felt kinda sick so I wasn't really feeling lunch today, nothing to worry about.

she flashed a bright smile.

“see? I feel better now."

seungwan forced a wink as she gestured to herself. she was biting her lip, joohyun had heard what she had been doing, and the last thing she wanted was for the older girl to worry. 

with the stress of the next comeback already taking its toll on the older girl, seungwan didn't want to add to the dark circles underlining her eyes, or the sleepless nights the leader spent awake, preparing herself mentally for what would be their biggest comeback yet. she was the leader after all, and the girls knew joohyun had a tendency to keep her own struggles to herself, forever selfless and acting as a rock for the younger girls to lay their struggles on, always an unwavering source of support and advice.  
joohyun studied seungwan's face slowly, a worried sparkle in her eye left as soon as it came, seungwan failing to notice the knowing that came along with it.

"okay then, if you say so…”

seungwan smiled and passed her, walking over to wash her hands. joohyun turned, and their eyes met in the mirror as seungwan scrubbed.

“well...since we missed dinner and you’re feeling better...we could go to the dorm and binge watch a drama? your favourite one is on tonight right?" 

joohyun prayed seungwan would say yes, instead of going to bed early which she had been doing a lot lately. with the other members out and the dorm empty, It might encourage seungwan to open up. joohyun's face fell when seungwan’s expression changed. 

"ah... thanks for the offer joohyun...but I'm really tired. that was a really long practice you know…”

seungwan turned to face her, raising her arm to scratch the back of her neck as she trailed off, gaze fixed on the ground. 

"maybe next time though?" 

her eyes rose to meet joohyun's, and she flashed a signature seungwan smile. joohyun couldn't help but smile back, love and care for the younger girl suddenly overwhelming her.

she didn’t want to push seungwan before the comeback. she was already stressed enough, and things would start to get better soon. she hoped that seungwan knew she and the other girls were always there for her no matter what, and that she didn’t have to go through this alone. just to make sure, she stepped forward, pulling the younger girl into a warm hug. 

seungwan shivered at the contact, but she soon relaxed, breathing in the scent of joohyun’s signature lavender fabric softener. she felt the most relaxed she’d had in weeks, and let herself succumb to the older girl’s soft strokes on her back.

joohyun pulled back, looking the younger girl in the eyes as she brought her hand up to brush a few stray hairs behind her ear. seungwan closed her eyes, a thousand wordless confessions on her lips. 

they didn’t talk about these moments between them.

joohyun loved and cared for all of the members, after all, they had been her family for the past three years. they had gone through everything together, seen each other’s worst moments, cried tears of joy and sadness in each other’s arms. they had raised yerim together, shielding her from as much of the bad stuff that they could.

they all shared a bond that couldn’t be replaced.

but seungwan. seungwan was more. seungwan was clumsy. a breath of fresh air. she brought laughter and light and god how joohyun wanted to wrap the small girl up, hold her until she couldn’t breathe. take her pain away.  
.  
but it was wrong. unnatural. It was something that wasn’t allowed in their line of work. something that could destroy both of their careers if she wasn’t careful. so she loved from a distance, only expressing her true feelings in moments like these, when the world could stop and she could pretend she was with seungwan in a different way. when she could release the breath she felt like she had been holding in for a lifetime.

seungwan pulled back.

these moments never lasted long.

she was biting her lip.

the younger girl wasn’t surprised by the spontaneous show of affection from joohyun. she brought a hand up, a finger brushing against lips, eyes searching for something, trying to close the distance that always seemed to linger between them.

“seungwan...i”

joohyun hesitated, but seungwan knew what she meant. she’d always know. nothing had to be said. she had been holding joohyun’s heart in her hands ever since they had first met. but it wasn’t right. It could never be. not like this.

“joohyun, we should get back.”

and it was over. the warmth was gone.

words left unspoken.

_It's just that I fell in love with a war_

__

_And nobody told me it ended_

__

__

_And it left a pearl in my hand_

__

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_And I roll it around_

__

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_Every night, just to watch it glow_

__

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_Every night, baby,_

__

__

_ that's where I go_


End file.
